Reaching out to Mormons: Knocking on THEIR doors for a change

My fellow boytalkers,

One thing we will be talking about frequently will be how to practically reach out to different groups. This edition will be dealing with Mormons. Nobody really knows what the Mormons believe, including the Mormons themselves. We do know that they are very friendly, and, strangely enough, though they are mostly a white religious group, occasionally they will have a basketball player that can score 80 points in ten minutes. While the most effective way to talk to a Mormon is to answer your door, how can we reach out to Mormons that don't live near us? Well, since Mormons do not know what the internet is, the only way to reach a Mormon that is far away is through writing letters.

After the jump is a letter that was actually written to a REAL Mormon.

Dearest Joshua,

                Words cannot express my depression and angst since you have been gone.  Also, my acne has been worse since your departure.  I’ve been finding my undergarments stained and uncomfortable as well.  Oh, Josh.  Josh, Josh, Josh.  Spending time with your parents does not compare to the quality trips to the tap dance studio that we shared over the high school years.  When you write me back, please include a lock of your chest hair with the perfume-scented letter of your affections. 

                Now onto the pressing matters at hand.  Firstly, I have made a few minor revisions to my will.  You, along with my respected great uncle, of whom you are so fond, are now the joint recipients of my collection of British Royal Navy undergarments.  In additions to these collector’s items, you will also receive half of my 20x20 poster of Bob Barker.  I trust you will guard my possessions with the same bravery and   valor that you bring to the table when cleaning out your aquarium. 

Josh, since you have left me, I have honored your request that I put moisturizing lotion on my elbows. They are steadily becoming more moist every day.  While I’m sure you will find this encouraging, I’ do not anticipate you enjoying the failure that has been my attempt to carry out the same procedure on your parents while they are in deep slumber.  Unfortunately, this has gone less than swimmingly.  Apparently, now they have filed a restraining order on me.  I have been grieved by this as well as the Mormon hate crimes that have occurred against me and my belongings simultaneously.  These hate crimes include being overly friendly, having way too many children, and stealing my black pants and white short sleeve button down shirts.    

Let me say that the reason for me bringing this up is not to fluster you with various details and not to concern you with my troubles, however I found myself searching for a sufficient Mormon outlet to share my frustrations with and you seemed to be my lighthouse on a foggy and stormy night. Yet, since I am privy to the information that all Mormons know each other, could you please ask them to cease and desist on my behalf?   If  you cannot, don’t fret.  I have already put up an add on Craigslist for one Mormon to help me with this peculiar situation. 

Do you know what my favorite thing about you is?  Other than your acute sense of time, I thoroughly enjoy your musk.  Moreover, I have become more aware over the past half-decade that your situational awareness is quite impressive.  Interior designing. 

Josh, is your favorite color still cyan?  Mine is still as it has been for the last 7 years, which, as you know, is a heart-stopping mixture of beige and springtime yellow.  That is beside the point though. My reason for bringing up cyan is because of a recent wholesale purchase of cyan scrubs.  Many people had been requesting that I put my artwork into something that could be bought at a reasonable price, and after taking a week to think about what and who I should target with my artwork I came to a brilliant conclusion – kittens and diabetes patients.  Thus, the scrubs.  Can I mark you down for twenty pairs or so?

In conclusion, I wanted to ask about your planter’s wart…how is it fairing on your inner thigh?  This matter concerns me greatly, and I have lost countless hours of sleep crying over it.  Along with many others, I  believe that the best treatment of such a growth as yours is to smother it with cranberries and older men. I have implemented this own practice on my own body with much success.  I hope that you have been keeping up with your strenuous online yoga course and look just as tantalizing as ever.

                                                                                                Many feelings,

                                                                                                A Christian Man